#108
Her: how have you been since our last session?
Me: alive.
Her: that’s good. I can see that.
Me: not sure. Uneasy. But also, quiet. Calm. I keep writing down things like is this contentment or just boredom?
Her: which do you think it is?
Me: are they the same thing? I guess not, I mean, I feel content most of the time.
Her: and the job.
Me: work has never been part of that contentment.
Her: but when you left the university, you must have…
Me: when I left the university all I felt was free and 100% less corrupted.
Her: I see.
Me: it’s more like. I just. I don’t want to become one of those people in the grey middle. You know?
Her: go on.
Me: I don’t know what else to say. It’s just that contentment scares me. Boredom I can deal with. I can alleviate.
Her: maybe all you’ve known is the opposite of contentment, you seem to think, your brain, or, your body, together, they seem to only know what to do when not content.
Me: I can’t live like that.
Her: what? In a state of dis-content?
Me: it’s like the book.
Her: the book?
Me: THE book. Winter of My Discontent. I don’t know what other people think it’s about, but to me it’s a man who finds out that everyone else is unhappy with his contentment and his life.
Her: I’ve not read it, but I think I know what you mean.
Me: I read it every year. It has to be read. And re-read. And memorized.
Her: our time is about up. Listen, I know that this time last year you had a lot going on. Hold onto those feelings you get these days, but don’t let them drag you under. Keep your head above the waves. You hear?
I always heard, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t sometimes stick my head under and close my eyes and left it a little longer than I should.